LEAVE ME ALONE.
I AM LITERALLY GETTING TEXTS FROM EVERYONE I WANT TO NOT TALK TO. JACOB SERIOUSLY NEEDS TO TEXT ME BACK. QUIT SENDING ME TWO-THREE TEXTS AT A TIME. LIKE RALLY, CAN YOU FUCKING NOT.
I know I was writing in all caps. It was intentional.
I seriously cannot get any damn sleep.
I am so stressed out I don’t know what to do with my life.
I love you.
"ODIO MI VIDA!"
-Me everyday of forever.
"So what if I go out on a million dates? It’s not like you call or listen anyways."
A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather.
You know i’ll be back, but just let me come back on my own.
I just want to sit and stare at you.
I’m completely in love with every aspect of you. Every detail of your soul. The crevices of your face. I love just looking at you. Looking into your eyes. It gives me chills. I’ve always been in love with you. I feel like I always will.
Happier - A Fine Frenzy
I’m glad I’ve gotten over this fairly quickly. It’s been one day, and I feel further away. I do still feel fairly sad and I don’t really have enthusiasm to do anything. At least I wasn’t in bed all day mourning your leaving. I really want this suffering to end. I just hope I’m better off in the end. I’m pretty sure I will be. I’m pretty sure Jacob and I will end up together in the end. I doubt he would leave. He’s not stupid enough to leave. I’ll have a normal life with a husband who loves me and our children unconditionally and as many animals as we want and we’ll be off perfectly. I don’t know what pulls me so far away from this perfect vision. I want to believe there’s something horribly wrong that I can’t see. Jacob and I are the perfect teenage love that can ideally become a stable marriage and future. But every high school sweetheart couple thinks this. I don’t know what’s keeping me so distracted. I don’t want to wrap my mind around not being with Rony anymore. There’s nothing right about him. What is it about him that just makes me want to stay. We wouldn’t have a white picket fence with our 2.5 children and a dog, not even a fish. Maybe a rundown apartment in the middle of Brooklyn. He may or may not have a political career going and I would be here. Stuck. I don’t imagine myself succeeding with Rony. I don’t imagine myself being a successful politician with Rony. I don’t imagine coming home from the office into Rony’s arms. I can’t believe that I can only imagine myself with one or the other. I can have only one dream with the perfect life and be completely miserable or have no dream, no life and still be miserable. I am going to want Rony either way. He’s still going to be my first love.
I remember him telling me.. if.. she ever came back… he would go running to her. Any chance he had. He would leave.
Oh my God this is incredibly painful.
Is this what I can for the rest of my life? Being miserable and tearing my hair out balling my eyes our every single day of my life while I worry about him leaving me. Which he will. Is this some trick? Is there something I’m missing. Is there some cryptic piece that I’m overlooking.
This hurts so much. I can literally physically feel pain writing this.
My heart is so heavy and I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what’s keeping me together.
Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m overlooking what shouldn’t be made a big deal of. I should have listened to my mother. She always knows what to do. I don’t know what in my imagination told me that this would work out. Rony and I could never be together. Do I really love him? I think I’ll spend some time trying to figure this out. Day one is done. I’m still alive. I can still feel. I’m okay. Everything will be okay.
I shouldn’t have eaten those fries.
"So why don’t we go somewhere only we know."
I just want you to know.
I hate it when people say they understand. They don’t.
He’s not normal and I just don’t know what to do anymore.
37 days left.
Runaway - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
I don’t know if I’m more afraid of you not being around or being disappointed by you. Honestly either way I don’t think I can win with you. I love you and I don’t want to spend a single day away from you. I feel so weak. Don’t get me wrong. It’s so easy for me to love you, and I’m here whenever you need anything. I don’t know if you know that. I want you to realize that I really am here, for comfort, to talk, anything. And I am willing to do anything for you. I guess I should be use to this.
I don’t really want to dwell on these ridiculous arguments that somehow end up my fault. Even though they are. I know they are, but I guess I never really want to realize it. I don’t want to believe that it’s me. I don’t want to believe that it’s always me. I know I’m probably babbling and this doesn’t make sense, but I guess my thoughts just don’t make sense. I’m going to blame this on me being naive, sometimes I don’t think I deserve to be here. Maybe I just made it to New York on accident. One day I’m just in Texas going by the same routine and the next I’m here. It still doesn’t make sense to me, but I guess I have to take it.
I never expected you to come back either. I don’t want to question it because I don’t want you to leave again. Even though I think I’m doing a pretty fine job at pushing you away at times. I’m surprised you haven’t left again to be honest. Sometimes I don’t know why you’re here or why you chose me. I don’t think I’m so special. But that’s besides the point.
I want to apologize again. I really just wanted my space today. I wanted to just be left alone. I feel like I’ve been going to fast I forgot what I was even doing. I guess I should have told you. The thought of you nauseated me really. It still gives me chills. I don’t want to hear your voice. Is that okay? I’m sorry, but I just want a bit of time. I guess me wanting you here gave me a bit of angst. I guess I just expect you to move mountains when we both know that’s just not possible.
I thought we were on the same page— asdfghjkl.
I love you.